4:00 am

on plans. . .

Damn. The birds are chirping already. Maybe I should take a drive. I know of a pretty good spot just east of here that would be perfect to watch the sunrise. I need some smokes anyway, so why not? Hopefully it will take my mind off life for a while. I doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.

The issue is, I am facing a transition. My daughter is starting college, and my son is not far behind. Their plans do not include staying in my house forever so the nest will be emptying before I know it. I will miss them as they go off to build their lives, but my concern is what is next for me.

I like my house but I won’t need this much space long term. I am also still recovering from losing my job after the pandemic. I have been going into debt every day since, and unless I can find a higher paying job, I don’t see this trend slowing down. I have stripped every expense out of the budget and the numbers are just not there so I am left leveraging future me to survive.

Meanwhile everything is getting more expensive.

I lived in Denver for 20 years and did great. Then the economy shifted and housing skyrocketed. I had a great job but was being priced out. There were places I could live but the commute would have been insane so I decided to move to Colorado Springs. My employer allowed me to go remote, the housing was cheaper, and at the time it was a nobrainer.

I didn’t anticipate the world falling apart around me.

So now I am here and I am running out the clock. Once the kids start making moves I can start making moves. The obvious choice would be to move back to Denver where the economy doesn’t suck, but that comes with a cornucopia of unattractive I am not sure I want to deal with.

Denver is a spectacular place. Spectacularly good and spectacularly bad. There are endless things to do, people to meet, and opportunities to be had. It is also needlessly expensive, the traffic is asinine, and the politricks are getting a little gross. Having to adhere to emissions standards alone is enough to make me not want to live there again.

I don’t drive an electric shitmobile.

I could calculate the cost of living increase and probably find a salary worth considering, but moving is a total pain in the ass. It makes more sense to either sell or trash 90% of what I own instead of moving it but it will be expensive either way. I also have to navigate selling a house and buying another which is complete ball ache.

Like what does a realtor even do?

I can search the MLS. I can understand market values. I don’t need a translator for paperwork. Somehow I have to pay $25,000 to have this leech negotiate on my behalf?

Fuck outta here.

I am at a total loss. I need to move if I want to increase my earnings. I need to move if I want to stay close to my kids. I need to move to have access to a different lifestyle be it culturally or just the amount of house I have versus what I need.

I have no idea where to go though. No place seems remarkably better than where I am. In my travels I have seen places I like, but of the places I am drawn to I wouldn’t be able to move there unless I won the lottery. I am also a bit too old to uproot my life and end up failing. Even if I don’t have a support system here at least I have the benefit of familiarity.

Mostly I am in a holding pattern which is uncomfortable. My daughter is going to college and things will remain status quo for the time being. I may have 2-4 years before she makes the move to Denver. This is assuming she doesn’t get knocked up or falls in love with some European that whisks her off continent.

I have another year before my son turns 18 and he already has plans to GTFO. He is hardworking and personable so he will not have any trouble finding a job or making friends wherever he goes. He may have to come crawling back to the safety of my net and he is welcome but he is fleeing the nest as soon as I let him.

At the same time, it is not my place to stalk my kids. I trust they will want to keep me in their life but I imagine the frequency will wane as time goes on. I will always want to be available to them and to have the means to help them when they need me, but what that looks like long term is not just blurry but blank.

I have spent the past 18 years focused on them more than myself and now it feels like I have to start shifting back. I have to start thinking about what I need and in many ways that puts the onus on them. I can’t be the guy who forces himself into their lives, but I also don’t want to be left out in the cold.

Plus I already promised them I will need to live in a tent in their back yard one day in preparation for when I walk out into the woods to die.

Mostly I just want them to have kids so I can be cool grandpa. I need my life to be agile enough to move to where the grandbabies are. I have to make sure I am spreading the right kinds of Gen-X attitude to the future generations. Not molding them but planting those seeds of cynicism, skepticism, anti-authoritarianism, and general go fuck yourselfishness the world needs more of.

I am just so tired. Tired of working, tired of shopping, tired of planning meals, tired of managing bills, tired of chores, tired of responsibilities, tired of paying attention, tired of being asked to be annoyed. I need a vacation, but even that comes with planning and budgeting, travel, and the annoyance of being a tourist and dealing with other tourists.

That wander into the woods seems better every day.

I guess I’m just sick of trying to live the American dream. Greed is not my dream. Infinite wealth is not my dream. Power is not my dream. All I want is my own little corner of the world where I can sit back and not worry about world war 3 or your not so friendly neighborhood meth fiend.

Is that too much to ask? Or because this is America, is that too little to ask?

Am I supposed to be out here chasing the hypercar lifestyle? Am I supposed to be manipulating the masses into sending me money for mediocre content? Am I supposed to be taking advantage of the weak under the guise of calling it “opportunity”? Am I really supposed to shrug and tell myself they should have known better and it isn’t my fault?

FUCK!

I hate not knowing what to do. When I was young I could float on the breeze and be okay with wherever I landed. Hell most of the time I just leapt into risk just to shake things up. Ever since I had kids it’s been plans upon plans upon plans. It had to be, and I am still in a place where planning is paramount.

The problem is I have no outlook for the five year mark. I have no star with which to plot my course, and it has sort of been that way for three years now. I have just been keeping this boat seaworthy with the duct tape of getting the kids graduated and the bubblegum of not losing the house or my life.

I have been in survival mode for way too long and I don’t really see that changing any time soon. I am not building, I am repairing what has already been built, and what has been built isn’t much. I am to the point where I wish it would all just catch fire so I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore.

Mmmmmmmm.

Fire.

There are things I can do. I can concentrate on my body and my mind. I can let go of the future and work on looking and feeling better. I can sit in the lazy river and wait for the rapids to come. I can try to tune my antenna for the right kind of signal and try to not waste time chasing something I don’t want or need.

I just wish I liked that plan.

All right universe. Show me what you got.